It’s been a year

A year ago today my world changed. I became a widow. With 5 small kids.

When Donnie passed I was heartbroken. I didn’t understand. No we didn’t have the perfect marriage, and I know that if he was still alive right now we would be heading through a divorce. I know that we both made way to many mistakes in our marriage. But I still couldn’t believe my children had lost their dad. It was way to sudden and they didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye to him. But he went like he wanted. Fast. And with a bang. A heart attack in the social security office sure does leave an impression.

20120725-114337.jpg

The past year brought a huge change that I think Donnie would approve of. It also brought some healing for the kids and understanding that their dad wasn’t a bad man. Their dad just had a heck of a lot of demons he had to deal with. Sickness and mental illness are not easy companions. As I look back and remember the man I spent so many years of my life with, I am determined to remember the good things. The times he made me laugh. The times he was in good health. The times he was at his best in the line of work he loved.

20120725-114501.jpg

Whirlwinds

It seems in my life I tend to do things in a whirlwind fashion. Even when I am trying to take things slow and not make the mistakes of the past all over again. It can be both a good and a bad thing. It just means that when I jump into something I jump in head first and give it all of me from the beginning.

That is pretty much what happened with Donnie. Once we were married and his bi-polar got really bad, the pill problem got really bad, the schizophrenia kicked in, I didn’t know how to get out so I stayed and went head first into making it be okay. I prayed a lot that the doctors he saw would be able to help him. I prayed God would intervene and give me back the man I married. I prayed my kids would be able to forgive me. In the end after Donnie had passed I was able to move forward at a whirlwind pace. Not many people got why I was able to move on. In my heart I knew that Donnie was at peace finally. Finally after years of fighting his demons, he was at peace. And I was at peace. I don’t have a way to explain what happened in my head and heart that allowed me to just be at peace. I just was.

When I started dating Chad, I knew there would be back-lash from family and friends who wanted to throw their two cents in there. I knew the ones who didn’t understand my marriage, the ones who just thrive on drama, and the ones who just have to back their sugary grannies would all have something to say. I chose to go with my heart and let God work. I am so glad I did. I got the best man in the world. And on August 18th, 2012 I will be marrying my 6’4″ hottie. In true whirlwind fashion I met my soul mate.